2009 Reflections

December 31, 2009
Today is New Years Eve and as I sit here in my pj's I think I need to take time to reflect on 2009 and then think ahead to 2010. So here it goes...

2009 was probably the worst year of my life. I think that I can honestly say this, it was a very bad year for me emotionally, mentally, physically. I almost feel like crying now just thinking about it. I have kept a lot of things in, some friends, some family know all that I have gone through this year and know that some days were a struggle just to get through. I am very thankful for my loving family and great friends who helped me get through this year.

Physically, is the easiest to talk about. I had been suffering with foot issues for many months and thankfully went to the doctor. Where I was diagnosed with plantar fasciitis, it would be a long struggle to recover, but as I sit here now I don't have the constant pain that I had been having...something good to end the year with!

Emotionally and mentally, I think go hand in hand and I think many different things in my life played a part with these two parts of me.

We started building our house at the end of 2008 and living with your family in your parents house isn't necessarily the easiest thing. My parents were wonderful, very supportive, but you just have to understand what kind of toll it can take on you not having your own space. Thankfully we were able to move into our new house in September and we love it here. The space for Thomas and I is great, the kids love their spaces and we are truly blessed to have been giving the opportunity to build our own place!

I guess for those of you who know me, I am beating around the bush, because it is not easy to talk about the thing that has hurt me the most this year. But, I am at the point where I can't reflect on this year without hitting this. I have struggled with my relationship with a particular family member a few times in the past, but this year it really hit a hard spot and some very ugly, hateful words were spoken. I have always tried to never be completely rude and hateful to someone. I do know that I am not the easiest person to understand, I am not the easiest person to approach or read, but I am who I am. I am a person who tries my hardest to help people out when needed, who will be there if needed. But for someone to say some of the ugliest things possible to me, just really beat me down. For this person to say the things that were said after I included them in my life and in my home, I struggled. Truth be told, I am still struggling, especially now when this person has made a few small attempts to get back in, I struggle with the choice of do I allow this person back with another chance to basically break me down or will it be better this time, has this person learned?

If I really believed that this persons perspective has changed it would be easier to accept this person back into my life and my families lives, but I don't believe this is the case, I truly don't believe that this persons perspective of me has changed. I am sorry, that I can't forgive or forget as easily as others have, but that's not me and I honestly don't know that my emotional state can handle another attack like the one I took this year.

As I prepare to go into 2010, I will continue to struggle with this issue of this particular family member, because it is a family member, its not somebody that I can just pass along. I want to become a great mom to my three wonderful children, I consistently remind myself that my children are getting bigger and older everyday. Sometimes, I look at them and can't believe how big they have gotten already. Just the other day, I noticed how much older Tanner seemed, just in the way he was talking to me and his expressions as he shared with me the excitement of something. And Tapanga, has started talking so much more she holds conversations with her babies and barbies, its so cute. My boys, will start school this year, just another reminder how big they are and how fast time goes by.

I wish some things could be answered easily, I sometimes wish there was a magic button to show you the best path to choose, but then I guess that is not life. That is not what was intended for us. I want to be the best mom and I want my children to be the best children. I want to do for them what will help them to grow to be productive citizens. But what do you when they act out, which path to take with them to go that right route. I struggle with this daily, because in the end I want whats best for them.

I want to be a good wife. Thomas is so good to me and sometimes I feel I don't treat him with such goodness the way he does. In 2010 we will celebrate 7 years together. I think we have good relationship, we are able to talk about anything. Thomas sometimes gets frustrated with me because I think and look at things deeper than I need to sometimes, but hey he knows that's me and he accepts it!

For those of you who have read this sorry for all the ramblings, I am sure some of this didn't make much sense or flow quite right, but these are my thoughts and feelings. As I finish up this year and look at what I hope for next I really just want happiness and peacefulness. I have some awesome friends, a great family, a great husband, and some terrific kids and without all of them I definitely wouldn't have the chance at happiness. I have to remember that even through the struggles that I most likely will go through I am truly blessed to have what I have.